Hmm.

Hmmm… haven’t written in my blog for a while. Today isn’t the day either. One day soon I will try to formulate the thoughts and feelings untangling within me.

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Get the message yet?

How many times do you have to be told something to believe it? Maybe 70 times 7? Sometimes it’s a long journey with lots of confusing twists and unexpected turns to get you to the place where you finally ‘get it’. I’ve been thinking about one of those lessons in my life…

It all started on August 24, 2009. My dad wrote me a special letter of encouragement for my birthday. At the top was a passage about God’s love that I’d heard countless times before. And I was in a place, spiritually, of doubting God’s love toward me for the first time in my life. It gets really dark when you feel the pull of an unseen gravity dragging you down into that miry pit of doubt. Atleast now I recognize the familiarity of that pit when I feel myself sliding down that slippery slope.

The passage: Romans 8
“If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died-more than that, who was raised to life-is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Then, I randomly opened my Bible to read somewhere. There it was again.
Then, my friend brought me a birthday card with the very same passage written in Thai.
Then, I open the book I was currently reading and there it was again.

This was all the same day, by the way. When that happens, you simply can’t argue about whether you’re hearing the Father correctly or not. It was obvious that the message was, “Child, I know that in every way you FEEL separated from My love toward you, but the truth is that nothing (no, nothing, not even your feelings) can separate you from My love. Just want you to know that today.”

And I feel like such a hard-headed loser to admit that even though He spoke so clearly and personally to me that day, I continued to wrestle with His words for over a year, until just recently. What makes it even worse is the ridiculous number of times this passage came before me repeatedly, to this very day. It was so many times in fact, that I would even venture to say I’ve come face to face with this passage more times over the past year than any other passage my entire life. It’s that ridiculous how much the Father went out of His way, so to speak, to keep telling me over and over… and over. I received emails and cards from people I DON’T EVEN KNOW that contained that passage. I read it, heard it spoken, heard it sung, dreamt about it, and randomly thought about it countless times. I’m absolutely sure that if a Bible passage could be scented or flavored, I would have experienced that as well.

Only recently did I finally ‘get it’… over a year later. It’s been the most difficult, dark, confusing, disequilibrating, disappointing, and fearful year of my life. But one thing I know for certain: The Triune God jealously loves me unconditionally and not even the thickest darkness can separate me from His love. Oh, it will try. But it will never – no, never- succeed.